Parenting Teens and Young Adult Children
From the first time you get to lay eyes on our beautiful children when they are born/adopted/received, most of us experience not just an overwhelming amount of love and joy, but also an overwhelming amount of fear. With the best intentions, we try to keep those little beings safe and happy and healthy any way we can. We have ideals for them, and imagine what their life will be like.
“One of the most difficult things about parenting is recognizing that these little beings you have raised are their own separate people.”
I like to think of a parent as a guide. Walking slightly ahead, explaining things as you go, pulling your children out of the way of things falling on them (metaphorically and literally at times). During the process of raising them, you start to develop views of who they are, dreams for them, and a vision of who they are. This can get in the way though. One of the most difficult things about parenting is recognizing that these little beings you have raised are their own separate people. They have their own beliefs, thoughts, feelings, ways of handling things, and ways of expressing themselves that have nothing to do with you as a parent. They will have some beliefs that match yours and others that do not--and that is ok! They will believe in different things, listen to different things, watch different things, experience the world differently than you did—that is also ok! They are living in a different world than you did. With most parents nowadays having children in their late 20’s and 30’s, they are growing up in a world 20-30 years after you did—and that world is very different.
They start to pull away as teenagers; spend most of their time with friends, develop their own beliefs, hobbies, interests, goals, etc. You feel like you never see them anymore. The truth is—this is what they are supposed to be doing at that developmental stage. Then sooner than you think, they are out there in the world; going to college, moving out on their own, starting jobs, in relationships and starting families of their own. In a moment, you realize you have no control of their choices. That can feel very scary and sometimes when we react to fear, we try to control everything around us. Unfortunately, this does not improve the relationship, it usually just makes it more distant.
“Just because they are challenging their beliefs and looking at them through a microscope does not mean they are abandoning all of those values. They are not losing their way—they are finding their way.”
Some things to remember when raising teenagers:
If they have beliefs different from yours, this is not some failure on your part—this makes them a human who is separate from you. Just because you raised them does not mean they will believe and agree with what you do. This is a compliment in that you have raised them to have a mind of their own, find their own interests and be independent.
Challenging and learning about religious beliefs is very common at this stage of development. Their brain is able to look at things abstractly and theoretically for the first time at this stage. A step in determining what you believe starts with breaking down what you were taught, to see if you still believe it. They are trying to see if those beliefs fit them as an individual. When we raise children with religious beliefs it is because it makes sense to us, and holds some values that we want to teach them. Just because they are challenging their beliefs and looking at them through a microscope does not mean they are abandoning all of those values. They are not losing their way -- they are finding their way.
When parenting, you can see what strengths your child has and some of us think about what careers would be good for them or they would be good at. Sometimes what we are good at is not what we enjoy. I think it can be helpful to offer them a lot of ideas of career/vocational choices but try to steer clear from direct suggestions. Have faith that you have raised your child with skills to determine what they want to do in life and remember that they are the one who has to do that job—they should enjoy it. All of our parenting suggestions come from a good place of wanting them to be happy, financially stable, etc. One way to do that is teach them how to budget, invest, and save so that no matter what job they do, they are stable and happy.
Teach them how to respect themselves, set healthy boundaries, be comfortable saying “no” and know what they deserve in a relationship, no matter who or what that person looks like. Then when they choose partners, you know they have a foundation of knowing how to make that decision.
Teach them how to make good decisions - instead of making good decisions for them. Teach them how to problem solve, to look at things logically and emotionally. Help them trust their gut, explore solutions and make pros and cons lists. Then you will know they are equipped with the skills to do things that are good for them.
Validate them as much as possible. Validation does not mean agreeing with everything they are saying and doing, but it does validate the feeling behind it. Validate how hard things can be sometimes and then offer some suggestions or direction. Remember your teen years; life was an emotional rollercoaster at this age. Sit down with full interest and get to know what their life is like, learn who they spend their time with, and about their interests. You never have to fully understand or be good at what they like. But they will always remember you showed interest and made them feel understood. Do not take it personal if they do not want to talk to you all the time. They are going through many things and emotions that they do not understand. Just offer time and show that you are there eagerly waiting when they are ready.
When they leave the nest:
It is hard when they go away to college or move out. You will miss them! You spent the bulk of your adult life raising them. Try to keep some regular times when you connect by phone or video. Ask questions, get to know about their new life non-judgmentally. They need to know you are still there if help is needed, but they need to be steering the car.
Schedule regular visits with them. Most likely, they will not be the one reaching out to do this. That does not mean they don’t want to see you. It means they are trying to find their new routine and schedule while in college or adulting.
Spend time exploring your own interests and hobbies. Learn new interests. Spend more time with your friends and partner. These activities will help fill the chunk of time that you committed to parenting, now that it is available.
Remember—you have given them a good foundation, now it is their turn to build. These times can be difficult and even feel lonely at moments. Reach out to friends, family or a mental health professional if needed.