Advice from Top Couples Therapists
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Relationships meet our core needs for connection, being known, and feeling secure. For many people, relationships are at the center of our lives — defining how we understand ourselves, give and receive love, and develop our sense of belonging.
Yet, relationships are hard. Trusting another human being, operating as a unit, making decisions that serve someone else's needs without abandoning your own. There is sacrifice and negotiation, turn-ons and turn-offs, roles and responsibilities we grow into — and at times desperately wish to shake ourselves free of. We crave both intimacy and freedom, often at the same time, often from the same person.
To help make sense of the inexact science of love and partnership, I reached out to six of the most talented and in-demand couples therapists I know. What follows is their most essential advice — hard-won from years in the room with real couples navigating real struggles. Whether you're in a relationship that's thriving, one that's strained, or somewhere beautifully in between, there is something here for you.
Advice from Jeff Goad, MSW, LISW-S, CST, couples and sex therapist:
Our differences make us stronger. How well we manage conflict in romantic relationships is a major predictor of relationship success. A common pitfall is the impulse to show our partner how right we are and how wrong they are. And of course we want to do that! Our perspective makes so much sense to us that it feels absurd they wouldn't see it the same way. The paradox is that often your partner is experiencing the exact same thing about their side of the argument.
Try shifting your goal from "winning" to "understanding." If our partner does not see the issue in the same way we do, instead of trying to convince them, let's start by trying to understand them. Ask questions. Reflect back your understanding and see if they agree with how you phrased it. Just be careful to ensure you do this in good-faith. Sometimes old habits are hard to break and we trick ourselves into acting like we're trying to understand but we're still trying to highlight errors in their thinking. When we can get to a place where we both truly understand why the other sees things the way they do, then a path forward can become clearer.
Advice from Alysa Golden, MSW, RSW:
Here are my two main pieces of advice for couples...
I got them from my mother who was a prominent couples therapist for 50 years when I first started working with couples.
When your partner expresses their feelings, take a moment to step back and listen before you respond. Expressing "I hear you" can open hearts and minds in a way that no other three words can in a relationship. Feeling heard feels like connection, respect and care. Feeling heard feels like intimacy.
When traveling to visit in-laws, it is the job of the partner who is not visiting his or her family to make the visit successful for the partner who is visiting his or her family. This can feel counterintuitive as it is often felt to be the job of the family member to make the trip comfortable for the spouse. However, we should never make it more difficult for someone to connect to their family and benefit from those relationships.
Advice from Alan Federman, MA, LSW:
First off, I have couples sit opposite each other rather than together on a couch facing and talking to me. This sets the session up for them to bring out issues and deal with each other rather than complaining to me about each other. Since I am not in the loop, I can observe their patterns of communication more easily, see which ones are working for them and which are keeping them stuck, and then offer this as feedback to them so that they become aware of the patterns they co-create rather than focusing on fighting about who is right and who is wrong. It allows me to be a coach helping them learn how to resolve issues themselves rather than being the judge or advice giver.
Second thing I try to keep in mind when couples are arguing about an issue they encountered during the week is to not get completely caught up in who did or said what and what their tone of voice implied during their original argument. Many times, the couple is recreating the patterns that caused the issue at home. Helping them recognize their pattern in the present moment is much more likely to give them something to take home and start paying attention to than trying to resolve something that happened in their home. In short, focus on their process rather than on the content of the issue.
Advice from Zina Petrov, MS, LPCC-S, MFT:
The rollercoaster rule: Borrowing from Terry Real, I like to think of conflict moments as a wild rollercoaster ride. Imagine emotions as a rollercoaster ride: only one partner gets to hop on that ride at a time! While one person screams through the twists and turns of their feelings, the other remains grounded. The key is to agree before going on the ride who holds the ground and who's taking the emotional ride. This way, while one person experiences their emotional highs and lows, the other can offer support without getting caught in the ride themselves.
State of the Union Talks: Another frequent piece of advice I give is to establish a "State of the Union" check-in. This is particularly useful for couples who either fixate too much on problems or avoid certain discussions altogether. I recommend picking a specific day each week for this ritual. During the check-in, couples can reflect on how the relationship has been, highlight what they’ve focused on to strengthen their bond, and give feedback on what their partner has done well. It’s also a good time to set intentions for the upcoming week.
Advice from Kim Tanzer, MSW, RSW:
The way we learn to handle big emotions often begins in our family of origin. Unless our parents modeled how to talk about feelings and repair after conflict, we tend to carry unhealthy patterns into adulthood. In relationships, it’s not the rupture (the argument) that matters most—it’s the repair. Each person brings their own patterns and stories into a relationship. Conflict is normal, but healing from it requires self-awareness. When we understand our triggers and wounds, we can communicate them more effectively.
Another important piece in relationships is expressing appreciation. John Gottman and Julie Gottman emphasize that it takes about five positive interactions to balance one negative one. Over time, many couples assume their partner knows what they appreciate. But without expressing it, criticism can begin to outweigh connection—thanks to our brain’s natural negativity bias.
Advice from James Ventura, MEd, LPCC:
When I’m working with a couple, I like to assess three components that are very important in a committed relationship: Trust, Support, and Communication. I like to have the couple talk about each of these components in detail and provide examples of times these are or are not present. This often starts a conversation and allows the couple to identify areas of challenge and strength.
I also like to ask the couple to reflect back on the time they first met. What were the initial attractions? What were some qualities they found attractive in each other? Are they still present? Can they show them again? Sometimes this “softens” the mood.